CONVERSATIONS WITH MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY by Suzanne Bachner

Scene Two. I sit across from MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY. HIS vast green-tinted glass desk sits between us.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: The inclusion of a letter is recommended. It makes it more personal.

ME: A letter?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Or a note. Nothing too overwrought.

ME: Do you want to dictate it to me? So, I'll say the right thing?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: There's no right or wrong thing. It should come from me.

ME: I thought you said I should write it.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Did I say, come from me?

ME: Yes.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: I meant come from you. It should come from you.

ME: What should I write it on? Should I type it out?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: You do realize that I get billed by the hour? I’m handing some of the work, as much work as possible, to my associates to keep your costs down.

ME: That’s very kind of you.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: I look everything over, of course!

ME: I bet you do.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: But she bills at about half the cost of me.

ME: That’s still pretty damn expensive.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY shrugs.

ME: So about this letter…

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: A note, really. A note. Did I say a letter?

ME: No, I asked you if it should be a letter.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Right. No, no, nothing too much.

ME: I don’t know what to do here. I don’t want to do the wrong thing. I don’t want to upset him.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: My guess is that he’ll be pretty upset when gets served the papers. That’s why we do it this way. For your own protection.

ME: But you want me to write this letter.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: A note. That’s just my professional recommendation. You don’t have to. Sometimes it’s just…softer. And it lands.

ME: Lands?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Yeah, you know, he gets it. Because he knows it’s coming from you and not some disembodied court or attorney.

ME: I didn’t expect you to be this short.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Excuse me?

ME: When we spoke on the phone.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: What?

ME: You said “disembodied court or attorney”. So it made me think of you without a body. But you do have a body.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Yes.

ME: And he’s just going to get the papers. Or maybe talk to you on the phone.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Perhaps.

ME: I thought when I talked to you on the phone and I first came into your office that you were taller until you stood up. It may have been the big desk. You have a really big desk.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: I know.

ME: He could get a really slimy lawyer, right? You said before.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Yes. That’s why we’re being offensive.

ME: I don’t want to offend him.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: O-ffensive. As in de-fensive. Offensive.

ME: Proactive. That’s what you called it the last time. So, I guess we’re past the point of speaking euphemistically.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Billable hours.

ME: Right. I don’t know what to say. In the letter.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: It should be handwritten.

ME: More personal.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Yes.

ME: Nice touch.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: I’m going to have to read it.

ME: To make sure I don’t say anything wrong?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Right.

ME: But you said I couldn’t say anything wrong.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Within reason. I need to check. To make sure.

ME: What should I say?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: I can’t tell you that.

ME: I could write it on a Van Gogh card, maybe. He always loved Van Gogh. I can run down to the Hallmark Store. There’s a Hallmark Store on the lower level of your building, did you know that?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: I don’t do greeting cards.

ME: I found it the first day. I was early for the appointment so I wandered around downstairs in the shopping area.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: I get my shoes shined down there.

ME: You don’t have a personal valet?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Never mind my shoes.

ME: You brought them up.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Let’s focus here. We need to take care of this today.

ME: I didn’t know I'd have to write a note.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: You don’t have to, but I recommend it.

ME: Then I have to. Do you think that would be thoughtful?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: What?

ME: The Van Gogh card?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: You mean Van Gachh?

ME: Are you correcting me?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: No, just clarifying.

ME: I hate when people pronounce it like that. It’s pretentious.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: It’s correct.

ME: Maybe a plain card. But the Van Gogh cards never have any sappy messages in them. They’re always blank. I got him a poster once. Of the blue café with the trees.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Starry Night?

ME: No, the café.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: I’ll tell you what, why don’t you draft the card, then I’ll approve it and you can pick out the card while we finish the paper work. I have to find a server anyway.

ME: Or maybe someone in the mailroom could do that. So, it’ll be more cost effective for me. What’s the hourly rate for someone in the mailroom?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: You’re upset.

ME: Of course I’m upset. And now he’s going to be upset. No one else is upset.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Do you want some Kleenex?

ME: No. Thank you. I’m not a runny nose cryer. It’s all in the eyes. Hands work well enough for the eyes. See? And eyelashes. Luckily I’m not wearing mascara.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY hands me a white legal pad and a pen. I take them.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Here. Why don’t you pull yourself together. Take a breath. Write the note. Don’t over think it.

ME: This could be the last time I communicate with him.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: It won’t be.

ME: Directly.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Don’t worry about that.

ME: He was my husband.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: He still will be if we don’t move forward with this. It’s your choice.

ME: I’m not having any doubts. If that’s what you think.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: I’m just asking.

ME: You’re not asking. You’re insinuating. That’s annoying.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Write the letter.

ME: I did all my homework on legal pads because my dad used to bring them home from work with him. In his big brown leather briefcase. But they were yellow.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: We don’t use the yellow ones anymore. Too hard on the eyes.

ME: Yeah. This is much easier. A long pause.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: What? ME: It’s just not fair. I mean, that I have to be the one who does this. When he’s giving me no choice. What is it called—the person who brings the action?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: The Petitioner.

ME: Yes. I shouldn’t be the Petitioner when I’m really the what?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Respondent?

ME: Yeah. The Respondent. I shouldn’t have to take responsibility for both of us when I’m just responding to his actions, his withdrawal, his lack of intimacy, his disappearance, his violence and utter inability to actually work through the underlying compulsion that drives his alcoholism, that makes his being a sober nondrinker, a dry drunk, worse than when he was a raging in-denial binge drinker. He won’t leave me but tells me with every single action to leave him. Gives up. Pushing me away when I want to help him. Help us. Not fight in front of the dog because his ears go down and he thinks he’s done something wrong just because he exists. Like a child. I’m the Respondent. He’s not the Respondent.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Life’s not fair, sweetie.

ME: I bet you don’t call your associate, miss less-billable hours, sweetie. Just your female clients.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: You’re right. It’s a technique.

ME: You’re kidding.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: None of my techniques work on you.

ME: The Kleenex routine?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Usually works.

ME: Sorry. Look. I can’t afford this. I’ll do it.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: Good girl. I pick up the pad and pen and write the letter quickly. No cross-outs. I show it to him. He reads it, then looks up at me.

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: You can’t say this.

ME: Why? What?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: The bit at the end.

ME: Which bit?

MY DIVORCE ATTORNEY: You can’t say I love you.